Some Deep Thoughts

This week I have been reflecting on love. No reason why, just wondering about love and marriage. Can you really ever love a person without restraints, accept them for their faults and vices forever? Can someone love you?  Forever is a long, long time.
A divorced friend of mine and I were talking the other day. She got married last week and I talked with her a few days before the big day and she told me that she couldn't believe that she had found love again and that she could be so happy."I never knew it could feel this way" That's what she told me..I swear I almost broke down right where I was standing. She NEVER thought she could or would be loved again..
I was sitting at P's football practice with a girl I have known for several years. She has been married for a long time. She was leaving and her husband came up to her and asked her how her day was and then he kissed her and said "I love you and I will see you at home."
That has made me realize that something is missing from my marriage. It has always been missing and I don't think I have ever had it. My husband and I have been together for a good long while. Dated for 4 years and then we were married for 16 years this past May.
I think I was so scared that I would never find someone to love me that I settled for someone that probably would have never married anyone and he would have been ok with that.
Please understand that I am not wanting a divorce or anything like that, its just the realization that maybe he doesn't really love me or care about me in the way I want to be loved and cared for. Maybe he just doesn't know how to show it. I don't know. I just know I am damn tired of going places by myself and people wondering where my husband is. Sometimes I think I try and fool myself that there are lots of husbands that are anti-social, but maybe I just need to take some advice from Ronnie Reagan.
                   "Don't be afraid to see what you see."
But you know what, he would be there if he really wanted to be.

There are friends of mine that read my blog and will wonder if I am unhappily married...not really....just probably in a slump or PMSing and that always makes me feel sorry for myself, but then I get over it!  I also have friends that will tell me what a sorry ass husband I have. No shit Sherlock I knew that, but he is a good provider! It's just been a long hard week.

5 answers for 5 Questions

1. What do you do when you have time to yourself? I read. If I feel like going somewhere I will go eat a Chinese/Japanese meal by myself. I know to some that seems odd but C doesn't like Japanese food so I treat myself!!
2. When you look out your kitchen window, what do you see? I see the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains. It is beautiful!! I also see a lot of farmland. That's not my backyard...but a very similar view.

3. Who/What would you want to be reincarnated as? I would like to be born into a royal family, but not the Windsors or Mount Battens or who ever they are.....maybe Monaco!!

4. What is your biggest pet peeve about other people's kids? When kids are at stores or standing in a line and parents let them act silly and run around screaming and playing. That drives me BONKERS.


5. Regular or Diet soda? Diet. My fave is Diet Mtn. Dew followed closely by Diet Coke/Pepsi (with a little rum for good measure).

Random Dozen 9/1/2010

 
1. What insect are you most afraid of? Feel free to post a picture. Ticks. About 6 years ago I had Rocky Mtn. Spotted Fever. I have never been so sick in my life. A rash develops with this and the doctors at the ER kept insisting that it was dermatological. It was pretty severe until they finally ran some blood tests, 6 ER visits later. I didn't have a Dr at the time.


2. What is the greenest/most organic thing about you or that you do? I recycle cans and paper.

3. Tell me about a recurring dream that haunts you. I can't say that I have recurring dreams that haunt me, but I have had several that were unsettling and still haunt me.

4. Have you ever missed a flight? What were the circumstances? OMG yes. Last February, I was flying home from LAX (visiting mom) and I got stuck in traffic on the freeway and then TSA put me in the wrong line. Although I was secretly hoping to go back to mom's, I caught the next flight going to Atlanta.

5. What do you consider your best feature? Everyone comments on my eyes.

6. What was the last concert you went to? I have not been to a concert in years. In the early 90's Alan Jackson came to Knoxville.

7. Describe the most embarrassing church moment you ever experienced. Oh My! My kids were at a Vacation Bible School a few years ago and my son gave the closing prayer, he was 3 or 4 at that time, as we were getting in the car to leave (my car windows were down) he gets into an argument with his sisters and yells at the top of his lungs "Will you shut the hell up". The parking lot was full. I left the church with my head down.

8. Are you a whistler, hummer or singer? I am a phrase singer. I will sing certain phrases of a song and hum the rest.

9. George Washington Carver said, "I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in." What is God saying to you through nature today, or this very minute? Another season is on the way, get ready for change.

10. On September, 1, 1752, the Liberty Bell arrived in Philadelphia. What memorable event will take place in your life on September 1, 2010? Today is the day that I stop being passive at work (about some minor issues). I am going to be proactive from now on or just keep my mouth shut, but that's really a contradiction. So, I am going to be proactive on keeping my big mouth shut.

11. Taco Bell or the Liberty Bell? (You must choose.) Taco Bell. I run for the border every chance I get like the hounds of hell are chasing me.

12. Do you believe men and women can have purely platonic friendships? NO. Not purely ever. They may fool themselves for a while, but NO.