This week I have been reflecting on love. No reason why, just wondering about love and marriage. Can you really ever love a person without restraints, accept them for their faults and vices forever? Can someone love you? Forever is a long, long time.
A divorced friend of mine and I were talking the other day. She got married last week and I talked with her a few days before the big day and she told me that she couldn't believe that she had found love again and that she could be so happy."I never knew it could feel this way" That's what she told me..I swear I almost broke down right where I was standing. She NEVER thought she could or would be loved again..
I was sitting at P's football practice with a girl I have known for several years. She has been married for a long time. She was leaving and her husband came up to her and asked her how her day was and then he kissed her and said "I love you and I will see you at home."
That has made me realize that something is missing from my marriage. It has always been missing and I don't think I have ever had it. My husband and I have been together for a good long while. Dated for 4 years and then we were married for 16 years this past May.
I think I was so scared that I would never find someone to love me that I settled for someone that probably would have never married anyone and he would have been ok with that.
Please understand that I am not wanting a divorce or anything like that, its just the realization that maybe he doesn't really love me or care about me in the way I want to be loved and cared for. Maybe he just doesn't know how to show it. I don't know. I just know I am damn tired of going places by myself and people wondering where my husband is. Sometimes I think I try and fool myself that there are lots of husbands that are anti-social, but maybe I just need to take some advice from Ronnie Reagan.
"Don't be afraid to see what you see."
But you know what, he would be there if he really wanted to be.
There are friends of mine that read my blog and will wonder if I am unhappily married...not really....just probably in a slump or PMSing and that always makes me feel sorry for myself, but then I get over it! I also have friends that will tell me what a sorry ass husband I have. No shit Sherlock I knew that, but he is a good provider! It's just been a long hard week.